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[26 Jul 2006|01:09pm] |
"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people, and the affection of honest critics, and endure the betrayal of flase friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. that is to have succeeded."
ok....
GO.
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[20 Jul 2006|12:27am] |
well, i realized something tonight, while we were watching elizabethtown.
that humongous scene where claire and drew are talking on the phone endlessly, about everything, just working the conversation into their nighttime routines and sharing everything that's going on around them with the other (even chuck. ESPECIALLY chuck.)...it's so cool. it's almost the core of the movie, and it's definitely beginning and essence of their relationship. when i first saw the movie, it made me feel a little weird, because i wished that i could have something like that go on in my own life: a completely random conversation, but one in which you're more honest than you ever are in real life.
tonight we were watching elizabethtown, and it was my third time seeing it. during the phone scene, i found myself wishing yet again that i could have that same insanely long talk for myself, and moreover, that connection. but then halfway through this part, it dawned on me that I HAVE.
i'm seriously such a dunce for not making this association before now. there are probably a couple people who already have; god knows i talked about it/him enough. but yes...all those nights spent talking to daniel snoozy...were my equivalent of the phone scene. if i had to pick, i'd say ours were even better than theirs. much better. and there were more, too.
i don't really want to go into detail. you don't really want me to go into detail. i've spent enough time in the past thinking about everything that was said and not said (the former outweighs the latter, by far), what it all meant and if i should try to make it happen again. it's faded in my mind over time, as all things do, but i still know i'll never really forget that period, not just because of him, but because of what i learned about myself. it sounds dumb, but talking to him brought out things i didn't know were there.
it was nice to recognize tonight, finally, that i am one of the few people i know who has been lucky enough to experience something as complex and hilarious and moving and mystifying as those conversations. it's not just the stuff of movies. and with my gratitude comes the kind of closure that he could probably never give me, no matter how much i might press him for it. now that i've fully appreciated what our own phone scenes did for me, i can let them--and him--go.
so...until we meet again.
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[09 Jul 2006|10:48pm] |
things are so weird right now. i would not have planned or picked any of this for myself.
but....
i kind of like it.
:)
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[25 Jun 2006|10:59am] |
my computer is making sporadic mooing/wheezing noises. hmm...not good?
anyway, i just wanted to say that i will never take HAPPINESS for granted again. and i feel lucky that after a little bit of a drought, i have some RIGHT NOW. it's fantastic!
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| blehhhh |
[02 May 2006|04:57pm] |
i must have a turaround rate of like 5 minutes, or perhaps running just clears things up for me. it's good to get things out, but god. i never know how much of a self-centered bitch i am until it's right where i can see it. WHY do i do this...maybe when i'm truly a good person instead of somebody who likes to think they are, then the "amazing" thing i'm apparently waiting for will happen.
i'm too lucky already. plus, i have arrived too late to pay at the bleeding heart show.
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[23 Apr 2006|09:02am] |
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!
--Rudyard Kipling
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| don't look back into the sun |
[02 Feb 2006|06:28pm] |
i love that song. :)
on a related note, i saw pete doherty on access hollywood last night. apparently he's one of the only men in existence to ever be arrested three times (thrice, as alex would say) in one day. hmm!
well...something is different. i don't know what it is, or what exactly caused it, or how long it's going to be around. i do know that although i cannot classify all of my days as "amazingly happy" or "the best yet", i can say with full honesty that i am living deeper than i ever have before. i feel like lately i'm just LEARNING. about everything, and everyone. good lord...it's like i finally know MYSELF. i'm pinning down all those intricacies of me that have escaped me for the past year...what i want, what i need, what my faults are, what my talents are. why i do the things i do. whom i love and how i want to spend my time. ask me the answers to any of those, and i'll be able to to give you them. it's a lovely feeling. more than that, really...it makes me so THRILLED to be alive and for what's going to happen in the next few days/months/years.
possibly the nicest thing about this feeling is that i know i don't have to constantly revel in it now, because even if it doesn't last forever, a bit has already changed. the damage has been done, so to speak. so i can go ahead and do all my mundane crap--live, basically--without worrying about if it's going to evaporate or not. that might be the best form of happiness there is.
ahhh let's see...today.
took a math test over linear word problems. sadly, none of them included people with names like "gunner van eder" and "reynaldo", as was the case in the review packet
kyle/shilpa/becca/laura lunch was informative, chocolatey
ms. mcqueen's BAY-BEE is one of the most fricking adorable children on earth. and i love her socks
mr. weinberg called me "dude" again, and followed that up by sporting a piece of crown-shaped bling (i don't know)
converse sneakers still get me, for god's sake
i gave ryan hays a ride home, which was kind of fun. he definitely has a lawn knome next to his driveway. you should check it out.
i'm so glad i went to gsa! i'll be going back. thanks meggayy :)
phub is sick, but feeling better.
this weekend's going to be really good. i have a date with ralphie bex, among other things. please don't hesitate to call me, because i would love to fill it with even more...errrm...goodness!
now i've got to take care of some of the aforementioned mundane crap, including (but not limited to): heart of darkness response, which will be pretty interesting since i've read less of that than i have of like..dick cheney's autobiography?; try and get in touch with the people at the u of i film class meggie talked about (hopefully i'll figure it out and get myself in there as well); and other random school things. ehhhh.
aight, off to watch the daily show first! have a great friday, people. i'm sure you can do it.
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[20 Jan 2006|03:18pm] |
i am honestly beginning to think that i am always wrong!
i mean, my intentions are good.
and there have been situations where i have felt 100% confident in myself and what i was doing at the time.
not just confident...but actually smart! smart, and like i was acting for the benefit of myself and others, and like i was going to get what i wanted. or at least what i deserved, even if that meant less.
but none of that means much, since i can't remember the last time i was actually RIGHT.
:(
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[13 Jan 2006|03:24pm] |
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i feel like one of the luckiest people in the world right now, because i'm probably one of the only ones who can say they know exactly how their life would have turned out if one particular thing had been different.
i'm also sad, because to know is to love. and to love is to miss.
these people (jeremy, ben, amelia, and mark), among some others, would be who i hung out with if i had stayed in kirksville.
it's mind boggling to think about your past, but it's even more profound to look it in the face.
i wanted to share these guys because no matter how far it is behind me, my 13 years in a place entirely different than this one are a huge part of what makes me who i am right now, and i never want to forget that.
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[10 Jan 2006|06:57pm] |
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this afternoon, from approximately 5-6:30pm, was quite wonderful.
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[07 Jan 2006|08:43pm] |
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I don't wanna talk to you anymore
I'm afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue every time you come around
'Cause blood in my mouth beats
Blood on the ground
Hand over my heart I swear
I've tried everything I could within all my power
Two weeks and one hour I slaved
And now I've got nothing to show
Oh if only you'd grow taller than a brick wall
From now on, gonna start holding my breath
When you come around
And you flex that fake grin
'Cause something inside me has said more than twice
That breathing LESS air beats breathing you in, oh
I don't wanna talk to you anymore
I'm afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue every time you come around
'Cause blood in my mouth beats
Blood on the ground
Hand over my mouth, I'm earning the right to my silence
In quiet discerning between ego and timing
Good judgment is once again proving to me
That it's still worth it's weight in gold
From now on I'm gonna be so much more weary
When you start to speak and my warm blood starts to boil
Seeing you is like pulling teeth
And hearing your voice is like chewing tin foil
I don't wanna talk to you anymore
I'm afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue every time you come around
'Cause blood in my mouth beats
Blood on the ground
High fives to better judgment
By saying less today, I will gain more, gain more
Low twos to you my, my fickle friend
You, you, you who brought the art of silent war.
he hurt me last night, and today. everything washed over me this afternoon, and i was reminded all too clearly of what got me to this point. i ended up coping in two ways: i ate, and i ran. i turned up the music loud and my chest hurt from the cold and every 5 seconds i thought about how if by some horrible stroke of luck i got hit by a car and died and he found out about it then maybe, just maybe then he'd be sorry. and sad. and regretful. as deeply as i am, but for good reasons.
i hate that i keep making decisions like this and never learn from them
i hate that i let myself create these impossible situations in my mind
i hate that i'm not 5'11" with blonde hair and blue eyes
i hate that i just said that
i hate that i thought he was different
i hate that i thought it was solid and real
i hate that he doesn't know how much i've invested
I don't wanna talk to you anymore
I'm afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue every time you come around
'Cause blood in my mouth beats
Blood on the ground.
so now i'm back inside, and i'm warm, and i'm thinking more rationally. but it isn't the same.
i will never be to you what you are to me.
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| i must be insane. |
[20 Dec 2005|07:51pm] |
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I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like
A thousand diamonds strewn
Across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend I am weightless
And in this moment
I am happy...happy.
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I lay my head onto the sand
The sky resembles
A backlit canopy
With holes punched in it
I'm counting UFOs
I signal them with my lighter
And in this moment
I am happy...happy.
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
The world's a rollercoaster
And I am not strapped in
Maybe I should hold with care
My hands are busy in the air
Saying
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here.
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| this is for him |
[19 Dec 2005|05:38pm] |
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Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat, the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall.
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[08 Dec 2005|08:38pm] |
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when i care, i care.
please remember that.
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[17 Nov 2005|09:39pm] |
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i think one of the best experiences a person can have is to feel simple, complete joy for somebody else. it's wonderful. you should try it.
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| some thoughts |
[31 Oct 2005|07:04pm] |
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has anybody ever realized how interesting the concept of a cliche is?
first of all...
cliche (noun): 1. a trite or stereotypical phrase or expression; 2. a hackneyed theme or situation
in this entry, i'm referring to the first definition of the word, although there is definitely a nice variety of cliched situations that happen all too often in high school life. lately, the place that the cliche phrase holds in our society has been randomly popping into my thoughts, which is kind of wierd because i haven't actually noticed anybody blatantly using one in a while. anyway, i just started thinking about where cliches must come from and how, even though we've all been constantly hearing them and saying them since we were little, they take on completely different meanings as we get older.
to me, the best example of this is the well-worn phrase "life is hard." i can't exactly recall the first time i was exposed to this one, but i'm pretty sure it was in my single-digit years...let's say age 6. back then, "life" in itself was such a broad and undiscovered subject, and for most of us it consisted of playgrounds and pet goldfish and piano lessons. so when we overheard parents or teachers using the phrase "life is hard" (or perhaps its slightly more pessimistic cousin, "life isn't fair"), our minds probably leapt to the conclusions that A) the little trials/tribulations we were experiencing in the form of tragic rollerblading accidents and bad haircuts were not going to stop anytime soon, and B) being a grown-up automatically guarantees that things will not be easy and/or enjoyable.
it's a bit sad that one of our most common cliches has to predict such a bleak future. and if you think about it, the second-grade analysis of "life is hard" is fairly accurate. now that i'm older, however, i find myself having brief moments of clarity in which (i think) i realize the true meaning of this phrase--that is, the meaning that whoever first coined it would agree with. these mini-epiphanies have usually occurred when i'm under a lot of stress or just generally feeling depressed about my circumstances at the time, which naturally causes me to reflect on some of my previous and not-quite-as-difficult difficulties, leading me to determine that this, this, is what must be meant by "life is hard."
i could be totally off-base here. maybe the originator of this cliche literally was a dejected six year old who started saying it to his jungle gym buddies one day after getting his overalled ass kicked at four square. plus, it would not surprise me if in ten years i start having another round of revelations about "life is hard." i mean, it's not going to stop being that way. i guess what i'm saying is that these days, i'm much more aware of the fact that the phrases we all use so nonchalantly have roots, meanings, and significance.
so, with that said: i would absolutely love it if you left me a comment telling me which cliched phrase most applies to your life right now. you don't have to explain why. actually, it might be more interesting if you didn't. :)
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| i miss doing these things! |
[21 Jun 2005|01:46pm] |
1) My uncle once: gave me a zerbit
2) Never in my life: have i been skydiving
3) When I was five: i wore leggings. dear god.
4) High School was: not over yet
5) I will never forget: you
6) I once met: ludacris's godfather! no joke, come to my office and you can meet him too!
7) There's this person I know who: really likes pandas
8) Once, at a bar: i sang TLC songs
9) By noon I'm usually: alphebetizing something/eating peanut m&ms
10) Last night: i saw batman begins
11) If I only had: a baby bunny
12) Next time I go to church/temple: won't be for a while
13) Terri Schiavo: shouldn't have had to go through all that
14) I like: ike
15) When I turn my head left, I see: green flip flops
16) When I turn my head right, I see: brandon boyd
18) In grade school: i colored inside the lines
19) If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I'd be: benvolio, because i like that name
20) By this time next year: i'll be ready
21) A better name for me would be: emma emma bo bemma banana fanna fo femma
22) I have a hard time understanding: anything math related
23) If I ever go back to school I'll: scream
24) You know I like you if: i laugh a lot while we're talking
25) If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: jamal
26) I hope that: i'm not here for nothing
27) Take my advice: do not sleep on bleachers
28) My ideal breakfast is: waffles
29) A song I love but do not have is: brown eyed girl
30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: steering clear of the trailer parks
31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips, & track stars: eh?
32) Why won't anyone: just TRY boca burgers??
33) If you spend the night at my house: pepper will be your friend
34) I'd stop my wedding for: something amazing
35) The world could do without: gordon lightfoot
36) I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: do any of that crazy shit from fear factor
37) My favorite blonde is: beeca
38) Paper clips are more useful than: my tiny stapler, although it's adorable
40) And by the way: i love you!
41) The last time I was drunk, I: did some wierd stuff on austin's pool table
42) My grandmother always: used to knit
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[29 Apr 2005|06:24pm] |
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The worst feeling in the world is knowing that you have wasted something, something intangible and extremely valuable, that you cannot get back.
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| it's always better on holiday |
[12 Jan 2005|08:06pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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music |
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chicago soundtrack |
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hey, it's about 8pm here, and i'm in between dinner and getting ready to go out. impulsively and sort of idiotically bought a leopard print halter to wear tonight...will be cute, but i probably didn't need it. oh well. plans are probably going to be toasty's, then some karaoke bar (spain memories, anyone?) which will definitely be hilarious. my parents are being more strict this time than on new year's because we have such an early flight tomorrow (by the way: landing in chicago at like 3pm, so i should be home by 5:30, somewhat awake by 7...seriously, stop by my house! i would come attack you guys if i knew i could drive without crashing into a mailbox), but hopefully i'll be out until at least one.
god. as these things usually go, it won't hit me that i'm not living in london anymore until i've slept in my own bed for a week. it's sad, it really is. i can't really put it into words. everything i've been through on this trip has been amazingly unexpected, but amazingly fantastic...i'm never going to forget it. i love all the people i've met, the places i've been, the shows i've seen, the feelings i've felt...
but i'll suffice to say that this is the last post i will ever make from this grungy computer in the international students house internet cafe. goodbye, london. i'll be back.
much love, everybody....hasta manana!
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[11 Jan 2005|05:21pm] |
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mood |
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 good |
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music |
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the simpsons is on in the background... |
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aaaah. it's been a frustrating day. but before anything, sorry i've been like MIA...super busy, super tired, and super pissed at the freakish norweigans who keep hogging the internet cafe at the dorms. so as a class trip today we were all supposed to meet my dad downtown to visit some financial center (errr yeah) and hear a presentation...but that def. didn't work. i had gone to lunch/shopping with nina (omg, found my new favorite store in the world...wish you guys could have been there, i was like speechless/miming for an hour) this morning, and we split up afterwards to drop our bags off...so i ended up having to take the tube out to the meeting place or whatever alone. at the station i randomly saw mark, thank buddha...because neither of us knew where the hell we were supposed to go and we couldn't find anybody else from the class.(side note: mark is SO gay. like officially. it's great.) basically we spent the afternoon wandering around together trying to find this so-called skyscraper place and eventually just got some starbucks and went back. at which point i discovered that i had also missed harrod's high tea with my aunt and mom, which sucks ass because i won't get another chance to have some frickin crumpets. lol sorry, but gaaah. i'm trying to think what else has happened lately that's been interesting...random shopping excursions which are always great...a couple of plays, one of which was like the male version of bridget jones and really hilarious...realizing that you cannot wear fishnet tights in this town without getting like mentally undressed by the entire male population...going to notting hill with my aunt ellen...visiting a british highschool and seeing one of their drama classes (soo funny, details later)...and probably some other stuff that i can't remember right now. i'm incredibly tired and my memory's getting fuzzy.
it's so hard to believe that tomorrow is our last day. my perspective has changed, but i'm still as much in love with london as i was when we got here. i can't even describe how much i'm going to miss everything..even the tiny, seemingly negligible things. it kind of makes me want to cry. but then i remember what i'm coming back to and how much i've missed all my friends. can't wait to see you guys.
well, tonight i've got tickets to go see chicago in leicester square, and that should be awesome....i've been listening to the soundtrack like nonstop since last christmas and i'm finally getting to see it live :) tomorrow night, the last night...ohhh boy. we're going out and it's gonna be crazy.
GOOD LUCK with your finals! remember to chill every once in a while....you're all amazing and smart and you're going to ace them. have a fantastic week, miss you, love you, see you in a few days! emma
ooh by the way, nothing from richard yet...but i'm like obsessively checking the front table in our building for mail every 2 hours. hoping for a letter to be waiting for me when i get back :)
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